Little Orphan Amy

My theatre classes recently watched the musical Annie.  Although I'm familiar with the storyline, it had been quite some time since I last watched it, not to mention I'm familiar with the Carol Burnett version and this was the Disney movie in which Kathy Bates plays the infamous Miss Hannigan.  Regardless, I was as captivated with the story this time around as I was when I was young.

For those who aren't familiar with it, I will fill you in. (All the while wondering how you don't know about Little Orphan Annie!)  Annie is a precocious little redhead living with a group of orphan girls in the care of Miss Hannigan - a woman who has no business being the sole caretaker for children of any sort, especially little girls whom she despises.  Annie's story is a heartbreaking one about a little girl who is dropped off by her parents with a locket and a letter that promises they'll return.  This promise is one Annie doesn't take lightly.  She recites the letter so often that her peers at the orphanage have grown tired of hearing it.  They tease and mock her but it doesn't diminish Annie's hope that one day she will be reunited with her parents and leave the orphanage for her real home with her real family.

Let's stop the storyline there because it is that hope that is the catalyst for this blog. 

 Although she is a fictional character, and an orphan at that, I envy Annie.  I envy Annie for the simple fact that in the face of mocking peers and unlikely circumstances, she never gave up hope that her parent's promise would be kept.  She was steadfast in her belief and had an unswerving faith.  I wish I could say the same.

A few nights ago I was contemplating my lack of faith and my inconsistent Christian walk.  I've been struggling lately to remain on the narrow path.  It is often so tempting to "go with the flow" and let the world suck you in.  I find that I'm not very good at staying "alert" and "ready" as The Bible admonishes us to do so many times throughout it's pages.

As I considered this, I began to scan the pages of the New Testament.  Originally, I was searching for the parable of the talents when I stumbled upon Luke 12: 35-48. 

³⁵ “Be dressed ready for service and keep your lamps burning, ³⁷ It will be good for those servants whose master finds them watching when he comes. Truly I tell you, he will dress himself to serve, will have them recline at the table and will come and wait on them. ³⁸ It will be good for those servants whose master finds them ready, even if he comes in the middle of the night or toward daybreak.³⁶ like servants waiting for their master to return from a wedding banquet, so that when he comes and knocks they can immediately open the door for him.

I long to be that faithful servant.  The vigilant, prepared, obedient one.  I desire that when the Lord returns (to take me to my real home with my real family) that He will find me ready and waiting. 

Annie's hope was the result of an unswerving faith, just like the good servant found in Luke 12.  I could stand to learn a lesson or two...from both of them.

The Me I Want To Be

In my mind is a picture of a graceful, calm, pulled together, Godly woman who acts in love and reacts according to true Christian character.  I call it, "the me I want to be."

Unfortunately, the me I want to be does not always resemble the woman I actually am.  Okay, you got me, it rarely does.

The real me is an irrational, emotional  loud-mouth with control issues, who speaks out of turn, says the wrong things and blows a fuse every now and then, especially when things don't go as planned.  See what I mean?  That's a far cry from the picture-perfect, Christian princess I mentioned above.

It just so happens, that yesterday was a fuse-blowing day of epic proportions.  After flipping my lid in 8th period, I had the afternoon to think about what happened and to analyze my reactions, which I did.

I prayed. 

I asked God to help me know what I should've done or could've done differently. 

I cried. 

I got a pedicure. 

And at the end of it all, I came to two conclusions that I know to be true.

Conclusion #1: I messed up and I owe my students an apology.  But without a doubt, I WILL have many more chances to react with grace and Christian love.  Every day we face situations that challenge us.  Every day we have an audience of believers and non-believers alike that watch to see how we will handle those challenges.  I didn't pass yesterday's test, but I know that I'll be given another chance.

Conclusion #2: God can and does use this irrational, emotional loud-mouth with control issues.  He uses me in spite of me.  He uses me hang-ups and all.  In fact, it's through those weaknesses that He reveals His strength.  God has a history of using rebels, rejects and loud-mouths to do great things for the Kingdom, so I know and find comfort in the fact that He can use me too.

I wanted to blog this experience not only because of the therepeutic benefits, but because I know that I am not alone.  Whatever discrepencies you find between the real you and the one you want to be, rest assured that God loves you and wants to use you in a big way, flaws and all!

As Promised...

Okay, one more disclaimer then I'll turn you loose on the first few paragraphs of Rebel Reborn.  As I post tidbits from my work, I want everyone to understand that in no way am I attempting to glorify the years I spent away from the Lord.  In fact, I'm aiming to do the opposite.  My prayer is that through my transparency the Lord will be lifted up and His amazing transforming power made known.  That being said, here's the first installment...

Chapter 1: Rebel Checklist

”In the midnight hour she cried ‘more, more, more’

With a rebel yell ‘more, more, more”

Billy Idol, Rebel Yell

Let Me Introduce Myself

I’ve heard countless speeches, sermons and the like that open with, “Webster defines (fill in appropriate topic here) as…”  Sure, it’s an effective way to get your listeners on the same page and as far as openers go, it’s not the worst in the world, but I have no doubt that any Public Speaking 101 prof would tell you that it’s a tad overused and to pursue something more attention-grabbing.

Having said that, dictionary.com defines rebel as a person who resists any authority, control or tradition. 

What can I say?  I’m a rebel at heart.  Telling me not to do something is a sure-fire way to get it done.  (I can see the reverse psychology wheels turning as I type.)

Also, for the younger ones in my audience, I decided to define the word rebel in urban dictionary terms.  In summary, being a rebel means being an individual, not following the crowd and not conforming to what others prefer.

I haven’t always considered myself a rebel.  In fact, until my early twenties, I was the exact opposite.  I was a 100%, pure bread conformist.  I followed the rules and I probably judged those who didn’t.  I was a girl scout when it came to my church attendance and involvement.  I was also your classic overachiever in high school.  I made straight A’s and was salutatorian of my graduating class. Then after high school, I attended Christian University and spent 8 months in Thailand teaching English and working as a missionary.

But somewhere around 22 or 23, everything changed and for the bulk of my twenties, I was off-the-charts on any rebel checklist.  I’ve never actually seen a “rebel checklist” before but I imagine them to look something like this:

o   Tattoos

o   Piercings other than one in each ear

o   Non-traditionally colored hair and fingernails

o   Posing for pictures with inappropriate hand gestures

o   Dating “bad” boys (they give you street cred)

o   Frequent enjoyment of the “party” lifestyle, particularly those things that have been deemed by the authorities as illegal

o   A distaste for (or downright hatred of) authority

o   Doing something based solely on the fact that your mother doesn’t want you to

o   A refusal to do something based solely on the fact that your mother does want you to

Let’s see…

Tattoos? Check. I have four of them and wouldn’t mind having more, much to my parent’s and grandparent’s chagrin.

Piercings other than one in each ear? Check.  Well, not anymore actually, but I had my nose pierced in college.  In true rebel form, I took it out when I decided that nose rings had become too popular and mine didn’t make me stand out anymore.

Non-traditionally colored hair and fingernails? Check. That is assuming that purple is not a traditional hair color.

Posing for pictures with inappropriate hand gestures? No check on this one – but pictures of me with a drink in my hand (of which there were many) were the equivalent of me “sticking it to the man.”

Dating bad boys? Check.  And for good measure, I dated losers, potheads and atheists too.

Frequent enjoyment of the party lifestyle and illegal activities? Check times infinity.

A distaste for authority? Check. Most notably here was my attempt to run away from the ultimate authority, God.

Doing something my mother doesn’t want me to? Check.  See bullet points one and two. (and four, five, six and seven.)

Not doing something my mother does want me to? Check.  You get the picture.

Hi, my name is Amy and I’m a rebel.

The one commonality from my teens to my twenties was that whatever I did, I didn’t dare go about it half-heartedly.  I’m a passionate, all-or-nothing personality and that was true whether I was studying for finals, preparing to teach a Bible Study or hitting up the local club. 

Rebel Reborn

I realized the other day how long it's been since I posted something to this blog so I decided an update was in order.  Now if I can just figure out where to begin!

First of all - the reason for my absence.  Let me put it this way - if life is the express lane at the grocery store, I was one item over the limit.  Something had to give and clearly it was this blog.  It didn't help that in my busyness I decided to add one more blog to the mix.  For those who aren't aware, I'm now doing a video blog that focuses solely on my weight loss journey.  So far I'm down 2 pounds and learning so much along the way.  Please join me or at least chart my progress through the blog.  The accountability has proven to be a huge help!

Secondly, I'm quite excited to share news on the writing and speaking front.  Most of you know that I've recently decided to pursue a career as a Christian author and speaker and I've even blogged about my recent article submission and upcoming conference.  After having lunch the other day with my dear friend, Beverly, I decided to add "write a book" to my list of things to do.  I was inspired with a book idea after we met and I've been furiously trying to get my ideas onto paper so I can begin to develop a manuscript.  I also e-mailed Sheila, my SheSpeaks Conference contact, and asked her about the possibility of meeting with a publisher to discuss my proposal.  She said she will put me on a waiting list to meet with a publisher so I figure if God wants it to be, then it will happen!

That brings me to my third and final item.  I decided to post a snippet of what I've written so far (speaking of my manuscript) on this blog, but I think an explanation is in order first.  I feel certain that most of my readers know my story - or at least parts of it - but I wanted to make sure everyone is on the same page.  As I begin to write more, especially about what I refer to as my "wild days", I don't want to catch anyone off guard.  So here's my life in a nutshell:

I grew up in a Christian home and asked Christ into my heart at the age of 12.  At the age of 16 I dedicated my life to His service.  Somewhere around 22 or 23, I began living in a manner opposite of how I'd been raised and what I believed.  This I often refer to as "my rebellion."  This lasted approximately six or seven years.  Now I am "back on the straight and narrow" as they say and watching in wonder as God uses my testimony to witness to others that have gone astray. 

Having said all that, stay tuned for an excerpt from my soon-to-be book, Rebel Reborn (working title)...

I'm Not Complete Until I Meet...

*****I wrote the following with the intent of submitting it to a few Christian magazines.  Feedback is more than welcomed!*****

I know this girl; we’ll call her Eve.  Eve’s entire life revolves around her relationship status.  When she’s not in one, she’s depressed and moody and can’t think about anything else but finding a man.  But when Eve finds that special someone, she’s a completely different animal.  No more depression, she’s happy and fun to be around – when I can pry her away from her “perfect” beau, that is.   

What’s that you say?  You know Eve too?!

Chances are you probably do know Eve because Eve isn’t a real person and that wasn’t an actual story.  Eve is representative of so many women and girls I know.  (And even a few guys.)  I have a feeling you know the type as well.  They’re practically beside themselves with glee when they get to update their Facebook status with “…in a relationship…” but watch out if Mr. or Mrs. Right breaks their heart because the next several updates will all be about what a sorry so and so they are.

However, I should digress because the point of this article is not to gripe about people airing their dirty laundry on Facebook.  It’s also not meant to be the tirade of some jaded and bitter single woman.  The truth is I’ve been an Eve once or twice in my life.  In reality, this article is a warning to single men and women everywhere about the infamous relationship trap or, as I like to call it, the “I’m not complete until I meet…” deception.

So many single people (Christian or not) operate like I used to.  They feel as though they are just buying time until they find that one, fulfilling relationship and then life can really begin.  I’ve even heard married people refer to life before their spouse in such as way as to suggest it didn’t count.  “But that’s before I was married.”  Like single life is some cheap knock off of the real deal!  If that describes you and you’re currently single, I have a newsflash: This is as real as it gets!  1 Corinthians chapter 7 serves as proof.  After instructing married and unmarried men and women in verses 1-16, verse 17 says, “Nevertheless, each person should live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned to them, just as God has called them. This is the rule I lay down in all the churches.”  (emphasis mine).  Notice it doesn’t say, “…but if you’re unmarried, wait for the Lord to give you a spouse so you can start really living your life for Him.”  In fact, if you continue reading the chapter, Paul seems to be saying that staying single is the better option because one’s primary concern is the Lord’s work rather than his or her spouse and household.

So whether we are single and loving it or single and ready to mingle, we are to be living the life God has called us to, not counting down the days until we tie that proverbial knot.  But what about those desires God has placed in us to mate?  It’s only natural, right?  Especially for us women – we were made from man’s rib and intended to be his helpmeet.  It’s understandable that we would feel incomplete without a husband, no?

This is one of those questions that I used to avoid like the plague.  Mostly because I had asked God that very thing and never quite felt like I had a grasp on the answer.  There’s no denying why the female gender was created but then the verse in 1 Corinthians would pop into my head again and I wound up completely confused.  So what IS the answer?  As a high school teacher, I find myself drawing a lot of parallels and using analogies when I teach, so I decided to apply that technique to this conundrum. 

Pretend with me, if you will, that I’ve just invented a contraption known as the tennis shoe. (Just so we’re clear, I’m not claiming to have invented the tennis shoe, I’m merely using this pretend scenario to make a point.)  I’m quite proud of this new invention and know that it will serve my purposes well.  After a few days of wearing my new invention, I decide that they could use a little help.  You see, although they make walking, running and jumping much more enjoyable, they also make my feet sweat and sometimes they even rub blisters on my heels.  Never fear!  I will simply invent a soft piece of fabric to put over my foot before putting on my shoes and I’ll name that invention the sock.  Yes, socks will work nicely with my tennis shoes and together they will allow me the luxury of walking, running and jumping, blister and sweat-free.

Okay, so maybe it doesn’t parallel perfectly but hopefully this silly comparison makes a point.  The question that remains is this – since the sock was made specifically to go with the tennis shoe, does that mean it serves no purpose on its own?  Well, I don’t know about you, but I can often be found wearing socks without shoes.  They do a wonderful job of keeping my feet warm during the winter and I much prefer the feel of their soft fabric over hard wood, cold tile or dirty concrete. (That’s right dad, I still wear my WHITE socks outside!)  And just so the tennis shoes (men) don’t feel left out, they are still very helpful inventions even without the socks!

Okay, so single is good and men and women don’t have to feel like some underutilized creation just because they’re not married but I can sense that some of you are still stuck on this idea of being incomplete like the missing piece of a matched set.  Well, I’m no psychic but I am a 32-year old single woman and after all this time, I’ve finally figured out why we struggle so.

 We are incomplete.  In fact, all humans are. 

We were made by a Holy God who longs to have a relationship with us and so fulfill us.  The problem is, many of us, even those who have given their lives to Christ, continue to seek out fulfillment via other means…often times the opposite sex.  THIS is what has been playing over and over in my mind as I watch all the Eves in my life looking for “the one” who will satisfy their longings.  It’s as if I’m privy to top secret information that I’m just dying to pass along.  “Pssst! Hey you – yeah, you, Eve.  He won’t be able to meet ALL your needs.  You’re still going feel incomplete unless you fill that God-shaped hole with the one and only God of the universe.”

I mentioned before how I’ve exhibited Eve-esque behavior myself from time to time.  The truth is I always knew that no man could ever complete me, but it didn’t stop me from giving it the old, college try. (Literally.  Most of my dating mistakes took place in college.)  I think the reason for denying what I knew to be real stemmed from one simple fact.  This knowledge needed to make its way from my head to my heart.  The only way this doubting Thomas could believe was to experience God’s fulfillment first-hand.  I’m happy to say that after 32 years, several ex-boyfriends and a few relationship status updates, I’m still single yet completely complete.  In fact, I’m fulfilled to the point of overflowing.  I’d like to tell others how they can be complete too. 

“Pssst! Hey you – yeah, you, Eve.  You’re not complete until you meet…Jesus.”

Where's Your Junk Drawer?

If you have a junk drawer somewhere in your house or maybe your place of employment...I'm impressed!  Why impressed, you ask?  I'm impressed that you, unlike me, are able to keep the clutter in your life limited to such a small space.  It is common knowledge among my friends and family that I don't have a junk drawer - I have a junk van.  That's right.  A drawer will not contain my "messy" side so I use my minivan instead.  I was sharing just the other day that I FINALLY cleaned it out and took it to the car wash.  I'm ashamed to say that I had Halloween decorations in the back of my vehicle.  That's how long it had been since my last van-cleaning.

As I've said before, parallels can often be drawn from our physical life to our spiritual one.  This morning in my devotions, God used a couple of different sources to remind me that my van is not the only place where litter gathers.  My mind can also be used as a junk collector if I'm not careful.  As I was contemplating I Peter 5:8 which says, "be alert and of sober mind", I started thinking about the things in my life that work against that objective.  I asked God to reveal anything that might be cluttering up my mind and preventing me from living the life He has called me to live.

His answer was prompt.  One obvious source of this "junk" is that little contraption my mom used to call the "boob tube".  Although I don't watch as much TV as some, I have gotten into a bad habit of ending each day with one of my few DVRed shows.  The problem is that these are not uplifting, God-honoring programs.  It is hard for me to admit that these shows have a way of entering my psyche and working against many of the principles found in God's Word.  Satan uses these various episodes to undermine the truth I should be clinging to and before I even realize it, I'm believing a lie.

It isn't easy but I've accepted that it is time for me to clean out the residue left from these shows.  As I told my sister (and accountability partner) my immediate plan is to cut out ALL television for 7 weeks.  My prayer is that at the end of those 7 weeks, I will have learned how to live without this unhealthy diversion.  Instead of allowing it to numb me at the end of the work day, I plan to be more productive and active.  Who knows, maybe I will not only de-clutter my mind, but strengthen some of my relationships and even lose some weight in the process! (Eating and TV-watching go hand in hand, you know.)

My challenge to my readers is this - ask God what is creating clutter in your spiritual walk and what you can do to clean it out so that together we can live like God calls us to in I Peter.  And don't forget the importance of accountability.  I grant anyone reading this permission to ask me about my TV watching and if you'd like accountability in return, I'll be happy to give it.  Together we can do it!

Faithfulness

I love it when God really tries to get your attention with a certain point.  You begin to notice it in a sermon, then a song, then a blog you read or a friend brings it up in conversation.  That’s what the Lord has been doing with me concerning this idea of faithfulness.

First my pastor spoke about it at church on Sunday.  Knowing it’s a struggle of mine, I began to dwell on it.  One thing that really got me was when he said, “The Christian Life isn’t always exciting; it isn’t always fire. It’s faithfulness.”  Man, was that exactly what I needed to hear.  I’m one of the worst offenders when it comes to being dissatisfied with the daily routines of life; particularly the Christian life.  I want my existence to be one continuous mountaintop moment even though I know that isn’t possible.  I struggle with remaining faithful when there seems to be no “peaks” in sight.

The next reminder came in the form of a quote I found while perusing the internet.  Mother Teresa once said, “I don’t pray for success, I ask for faithfulness.”  I read this and began to think about her life.  She was the antithesis of worldly success but the epitome of faithfulness.  I could learn a thing or two or twenty from her servant’s heart.  She grasped the concept that serving God is a life sentence.  It’s not a matter of how we feel that day or who we’re serving or what we may get in return.  It is simply obedience to God’s call…every single moment of every single day. 

Faithfulness is defined as “steady in allegiance or affection; loyal; constant.”  I struggle to be constant in my affection to God.  I’m easily led astray by even the smallest of trials.  To this end, I would like to cite a familiar passage from the book of Hebrews.  I came upon this a few weeks ago and even though I know I’ve read it many times before, there was suddenly a new freshness to it – so much so that I began to cry out, “God , let that be me!”  Verses 32-38 of chapter 11 say,

                “32And what more shall I say? I do not have time to tell about Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, David, Samuel and the prophets, 33who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised; who shut the mouths of lions, 34quenched the fury of the flames, and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength; and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies. 35Women received back their dead, raised to life again. Others were tortured and refused to be released, so that they might gain a better resurrection. 36Some faced jeers and flogging, while still others were chained and put in prison. 37They were stoned; they were sawed in two; they were put to death by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated— 38the world was not worthy of them.”

                How I long for THAT kind of faithfulness!