I Wish

This will be a short post.  Not because I don't have anything to say but rather because I have too much.  Too many thoughts swirling around in my head, that is. 

Allow me to be "real" for just one second and then I'll leave you with some song lyrics that spoke to me today.

I'm having one of those "wishing" days.  You know...

I wish the Christian Life weren't so hard.
I wish I didn't care so much what other people think.
I wish I were stronger and more consistent.
I wish God would come back already.
I wish I weren't so selfish.
I wish others weren't so selfish.
I wish I was more concerned about pleasing God than myself or others.
I wish...

Ever had one of those days?  Yeah, me too!

And while I'm wishing, I wish I would have thought of these lyrics myself (especially that last part).

Savior, please take my hand
I work so hard, I live so fast
This life begins, and then it ends
And I do the best that I can, but I don't know how long I'll last

I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough
I can't do this alone, God I need You to hold on to me
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love
Savior, please keep saving me

Savior, please help me stand
I fall so hard, I fade so fast
Will You begin right where I end
And be the God of all I am because You're all I have

Hallelujah
Everything You are to me
Is everything I'll ever need
And I am learning to believe
That I don't have to prove a thing
'Cause You're the one who's saving me

Little Orphan Amy

My theatre classes recently watched the musical Annie.  Although I'm familiar with the storyline, it had been quite some time since I last watched it, not to mention I'm familiar with the Carol Burnett version and this was the Disney movie in which Kathy Bates plays the infamous Miss Hannigan.  Regardless, I was as captivated with the story this time around as I was when I was young.

For those who aren't familiar with it, I will fill you in. (All the while wondering how you don't know about Little Orphan Annie!)  Annie is a precocious little redhead living with a group of orphan girls in the care of Miss Hannigan - a woman who has no business being the sole caretaker for children of any sort, especially little girls whom she despises.  Annie's story is a heartbreaking one about a little girl who is dropped off by her parents with a locket and a letter that promises they'll return.  This promise is one Annie doesn't take lightly.  She recites the letter so often that her peers at the orphanage have grown tired of hearing it.  They tease and mock her but it doesn't diminish Annie's hope that one day she will be reunited with her parents and leave the orphanage for her real home with her real family.

Let's stop the storyline there because it is that hope that is the catalyst for this blog. 

 Although she is a fictional character, and an orphan at that, I envy Annie.  I envy Annie for the simple fact that in the face of mocking peers and unlikely circumstances, she never gave up hope that her parent's promise would be kept.  She was steadfast in her belief and had an unswerving faith.  I wish I could say the same.

A few nights ago I was contemplating my lack of faith and my inconsistent Christian walk.  I've been struggling lately to remain on the narrow path.  It is often so tempting to "go with the flow" and let the world suck you in.  I find that I'm not very good at staying "alert" and "ready" as The Bible admonishes us to do so many times throughout it's pages.

As I considered this, I began to scan the pages of the New Testament.  Originally, I was searching for the parable of the talents when I stumbled upon Luke 12: 35-48. 

³⁵ “Be dressed ready for service and keep your lamps burning, ³⁷ It will be good for those servants whose master finds them watching when he comes. Truly I tell you, he will dress himself to serve, will have them recline at the table and will come and wait on them. ³⁸ It will be good for those servants whose master finds them ready, even if he comes in the middle of the night or toward daybreak.³⁶ like servants waiting for their master to return from a wedding banquet, so that when he comes and knocks they can immediately open the door for him.

I long to be that faithful servant.  The vigilant, prepared, obedient one.  I desire that when the Lord returns (to take me to my real home with my real family) that He will find me ready and waiting. 

Annie's hope was the result of an unswerving faith, just like the good servant found in Luke 12.  I could stand to learn a lesson or two...from both of them.

The Me I Want To Be

In my mind is a picture of a graceful, calm, pulled together, Godly woman who acts in love and reacts according to true Christian character.  I call it, "the me I want to be."

Unfortunately, the me I want to be does not always resemble the woman I actually am.  Okay, you got me, it rarely does.

The real me is an irrational, emotional  loud-mouth with control issues, who speaks out of turn, says the wrong things and blows a fuse every now and then, especially when things don't go as planned.  See what I mean?  That's a far cry from the picture-perfect, Christian princess I mentioned above.

It just so happens, that yesterday was a fuse-blowing day of epic proportions.  After flipping my lid in 8th period, I had the afternoon to think about what happened and to analyze my reactions, which I did.

I prayed. 

I asked God to help me know what I should've done or could've done differently. 

I cried. 

I got a pedicure. 

And at the end of it all, I came to two conclusions that I know to be true.

Conclusion #1: I messed up and I owe my students an apology.  But without a doubt, I WILL have many more chances to react with grace and Christian love.  Every day we face situations that challenge us.  Every day we have an audience of believers and non-believers alike that watch to see how we will handle those challenges.  I didn't pass yesterday's test, but I know that I'll be given another chance.

Conclusion #2: God can and does use this irrational, emotional loud-mouth with control issues.  He uses me in spite of me.  He uses me hang-ups and all.  In fact, it's through those weaknesses that He reveals His strength.  God has a history of using rebels, rejects and loud-mouths to do great things for the Kingdom, so I know and find comfort in the fact that He can use me too.

I wanted to blog this experience not only because of the therepeutic benefits, but because I know that I am not alone.  Whatever discrepencies you find between the real you and the one you want to be, rest assured that God loves you and wants to use you in a big way, flaws and all!