Reflection and Inflection

"Will you lead me, beside the still waters
Where the oil, it runs over, and my cup overflows
You restore my soul "

(Caedmon's Call - Walk With Me)

While walking this evening, I stopped to take a picture of the trees reflected in the "rain-induced" pond at a nearby park.  What caught my attention (other than standing water in a veritable desert) was how perfect the reflection was.  I quickly realized why.  The standing water was completely still.  There wasn't so much as a ripple or falling leaf to disturb the mirror-perfect image.

That got me to thinking.  Okay, who am I kidding, I was already in a pensive mood but that got me to thinking specifically about a verse in the bible.  Psalm 46:10 says, "Be still and know that I am God."

As I walked the outskirts of the still water, I thought about the implication in my Christian walk.  Clearly, according to God's word, there is merit in being still - but I'm not sure I ever stopped to ask why.  It was as if God was saying to me, "Amy, when you're still, you are better able to reflect my image to others."

I thought about that for another lap or so.  Then my thoughts shifted slightly.  It will seem like a "jump" at first but just go with me here...

There's a fairly common drama warm-up I like to call "The Inflection Exercise".  The premise is simple.  Take one of your lines from the play and practice saying it over and over.  With each repetition, stress a different word in the sentence or sentences to see how it sounds or even changes the meaning.

Again, I went back to Psalm 46:10.

Be STILL and know that I am God.

Be still and KNOW that I am God.

Be still and know that I am God.

Be still and know that I am GOD.

As I alluded to earlier, when I hear be still, I think, "Oh, that verse means I shouldn't be so busy that I can't just slow down and spend time with the Lord" (and properly reflect him).  But I came to the conclusion tonight that "busyness" isn't always my problem.  Sometimes my problem is that I forget who is God.  I grow impatient or start to doubt that The Almighty is on His throne.  I start trying to do and get and be for myself what HE longs to do and get and be for me.

Be still and know that I am God.

He is God and we are not.  Our role in this life is like that of the still pond.  We are to reflect Him and His glory.

When we do this, the conclusion of verse 10 shows us the result:

"I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

Confessions - Part II

I played volleyball in high school.

No, that's not my confession - most of you probably already knew that.  You also probably know that when it comes to sports, there are certain "fundamentals" that one must learn.  Before you can run plays on the court, win championships or make it to the olympics, you have to have the basics down.

Bump. Set. Spike.

Okay, that shows my age a little because now days it's Pass. Set. Attack.  Or maybe Dig. Set. Kill?  Who knows anymore?

The point is this: those three actions are the fundamentals of the game and you won't get anywhere if you haven't mastered them.

In the Christian walk there are also fundamentals.  As someone who was raised in church and has a relationship with Jesus Christ, I am well aware that two of the "basic moves" of the Christian walk are time spent in prayer and time spent in God's Word.

So here's my confession...I've never really mastered those fundamentals.

Sure, I've had seasons that were better than others, but if the Christian life were a volleyball game, I should've been benched for the majority of it.

I have good news though.  My game is starting to improve.

Over the last few months, I've felt a tug on my heart.  I know that God is working in and around me and I've been overwhelmed with excitement at what He's doing.  I have no doubt that part of His work has been drawing me to Him.  For what purpose exactly I can't say, but I feel certain of it.

That being said, I've discovered something amazing.  Something I should have discovered 20 years ago when I became a Christian.

When I actually spend time in prayer and reading God's love letter to me, I'm a different person.

I was struck by this thought a couple of days ago.  I realized that I'm changing.  I'm different.

A different teacher.

A different friend.

Different when handling temptation.

Notice I didn't say perfect, or even good - just different.  Slightly better.  What could possibly have made this kind of impact on my life?

That's when it hit me.  My "quiet time" (as we say in Christianese) has been steady for the first time in ages.  I have no doubt that the improvement in this fundamental area is what has led to the improvement in my walk.

It feels so good to finally be off the bench and join my teammates in the work God is doing for His kingdom.  My prayer is that other "bench-warmers" will get back in the game as well by working on their fundamentals.  If you've been sidelined for too long, I urge you to make a comeback through prayer and studying God's Word.  It's time to rediscover Him and claim the victory.

Rediscover You (By Starfield)

I need to just admit my faith is paper thinI'm feeling so burned out on religionI say an empty prayer, I sing a tired songI need to just admit that the passion's goneAnd I wanna get it back
I wanna learn to pray the way that David prayedI want my soul to burn when I hear Your nameI wanna feel like new, I wanna hunger for YouBring me back to life like only You can do'Cause I don't wanna stay the same
You told me, look for You and I will findSo I'm here like I'm searching for the first timeRevive me, Jesus, make this cold heart start to moveHelp me rediscover You
Lord, I wanna be Yours todayI wanna know the passion of the saintsAnd how they were changed
You told me, look for You and I will findSo I'm here like I'm searching for the first timeRevive me, Jesus, make this cold heart start to moveI wanna burn for You, bring me back to lifeJesus, help me rediscover You

My Chains Are Gone!

We sang Amazing Grace in church this morning.  That song always touches me, especially the newer version that incorporates "my chains are gone."  I couldn't help but be moved to tears as I sang...

     My chains are gone, I've been set free
     My God, my Savior has ransomed me
     And like a flood His mercy reigns
     Unending love, amazing grace

I'll be honest, this girl who was raised in a conservative, Baptist church wanted to hold her hands high and yell down from the balcony, "MY CHAINS ARE GONE!"  I might have done just that if the tears hadn't choked me up.  Instead, I just sang with all the love in my heart to my amazing Savior as I considered the prison cell he has brought me from.

No, I don't mean a literal prison cell (but almost...), I mean a prison of my own making.  The prison of my sin and shame.  It saddens me to admit that through the years, I've been enslaved to many different sins and struggles.  My prison bars were made up of pride and fear, people-pleasing and alcohol, selfishness and doubt...and the list goes on.

This morning, as I sang, I was particularly grateful for the loosened shackle of people-pleasing.  I've spent most of my life doing my best to impress others in hopes that they would think highly of me.

Did you catch that last part?

...that they would think highly of ME.

I spent most of my life more concerned about what people thought of me than what they thought of my Heavenly Father.  Getting others' approval was a chain that held me captive and even caused me to hide my faith in certain situations.

In fact, that is the part of my past that brings me the most shame.

Like Peter, I hid the truth about my relationship with Christ to save my own skin.  Not that claiming Him would have resulted in losing my life but at that time disapproval was a fate worse than death, in my opinion.

By God's grace and His grace only, I can honestly say that now I am MORE concerned with what others think of my Father than of me.  He has set me free from worrying about the opinions of others and whether or not I measure up.  My focus is to properly represent HIM and point to HIM...and if the world disapproves of me in the process, let them.  I'm no longer their slave.

Romans 6:16-18 - Don’t you know that when you offer yourselves to someone to obey him as slaves, you are slaves to the one whom you obey —whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness?  But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you wholeheartedly obeyed the form of teaching to which you were entrusted.  You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.

Praise God, my chains are GONE!!!

No First Day Jitters Here!

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  Lamentations 3:22-23

School starts in the morning.

For some (namely students), the mere mention of summer coming to its official end is enough to cause panic or an emotional breakdown.  For me on the other hand, it is an event met with giddiness and delightful anticipation.

Now, before you label me a weirdo (or a liar) there's something you should know.  My excitement over the new school year does not stem from the fact that I'm a nerd or that I get paid really well (ha!) or that I just love my job (although that is a true statement...and maybe so is the nerd thing).  Truthfully, my excitement has everything to do with one simple truth...

I love new beginnings!

I always have.  I love the idea of a clean slate or fresh start.  This is true for many things in my life, including the new school year, moving to a new city or home, and especially the promise that God's mercies are new every morning.

One of the things I try to do every year is forget what I thought I knew the year before.

I know, that's a strange thing for a teacher to say.  What I mean is that I try to erase all the rumors and impressions and even encounters that I had with my students the previous school year.  Maybe I had them in class and they weren't as well-behaved as I would have liked.  Or maybe I overheard talk of things they did on the weekend.  Or maybe it was simply my perception that they didn't try as hard, academically, as I thought they could or should.  Regardless of the situation and regardless of the student, I do my best to give them a clean start the following August.

Why?

Because that's what my Heavenly Father does for me.  Every. Single. Day.

Do I deserve it?  No.  Do I understand it?  Not really.  Do I relish it and strive to extend even just a portion of the same grace to others?  Absolutely.

After five years of teaching high schoolers, I've learned something.  They won't remember much of my class syllabus or lectures.  They won't remember all the test questions (if any) or how cute my classroom was.  They may not remember which entrepreneur or playwright they researched, but maybe - hopefully - they'll remember a teacher who modeled Christ.

That is my prayer on the eve of the 2012-2013 year.  Lord, let your light shine through me, help me point these precious young people to you and may I be full of mercy and grace as I gratefully accept yours.  Great is your faithfulness!

Every Man

And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’ Matthew 25:40

While in Lubbock this weekend with my step-sister, Katie, we were stopped at a red light where a homeless man with a sign was camped.  Katie began digging through her purse and I assumed it was to give money to the man.  That began a discussion on giving and homeless people.  We both agreed that although there was a chance that man might misuse our funds, giving is what a Christian should do and the Bible clearly states that what you do to the “least of these” you do to Christ.  Unfortunately, the light turned green before either of us was able to unearth cash from our overloaded purses.  As we sped away, Katie muttered under her breath, “Sorry, Dude.  I hope you weren’t Jesus.”

Obviously, I had to laugh at that statement but the principles behind that event have been gnawing at me for two days now.  Even before spending the weekend in Lubbock, I’ve been thinking a lot about God’s love and people.  Not specific people, necessarily...just people in general.  I’ve been asking myself a very difficult question. 

Do I love people the way Christ loves them?

Sadly, the answer is no.  And it’s not even a matter of whether I would give my life for them.  So often I fail to look at people through the eyes of their Creator and see someone of worth, someone who is loved.  Instead I find myself being critical and judgmental – looking down my nose at “the least of these”.

I’ve been asking God to help me with this and give me HIS attitude and HIS heart when it comes to those around me.  He’s been quick to answer me and just this morning, he brought an amazing song across my path that I will share with you.  As I listened to the lyrics, my prayer changed just slightly.  I continue to pray that I would love others with the love of my Savior but now I ask that my fellow believers would join me so that together we can be the hands and feet of Jesus…to every man.

Everyman

By Casting Crowns

I'm the man with all I've ever wanted


All the toys and playing games


I am the one who pours your coffee, corner booth each Saturday


I am your daughter's favorite teacher


I am the leader of the band


I sit behind you in the bleachers


I am every man



I'm the coach of every winning team and still a loser in my mind


I am the soldier in the airport facing giants one more time


I am the woman shamed and haunted by the cry of unborn life


I'm every broken man, nervous child, lonely wife



Is there hope for every man


A solid place where we can stand


In this dry and weary land


Is there hope for every man


Is there love that never dies


Is there peace in troubled times


Someone help me understand


Is there hope for every man



Seems there's just so many roads to travel, it's hard to tell where they will lead


My life is scarred and my dreams unraveled


Now I'm scared to take the leap


If I could find someone to follow who knows my pain and feels the weight


The uncertainty of my tomorrow, the guilt and pain of yesterday



There is hope for every man


A solid place where we can stand


In this dry and weary land


There is hope for every man


There is Love that never dies


There is peace in troubled times


Will we help them understand?


Jesus is hope for every man

Flying Cows Ahead

We all know that in this life there will be storms.  Not just the kind with thunder and lightning, but the kind that bring devastation into our lives.  We've been told that these emotional, relational and spiritual squalls will make us stronger and better Christians on the other side.  Some of us have even experienced that phenomenon firsthand.

I've been through a little "bad weather" myself and I've watched family and friends endure a tidal wave of bad news, heartbreak, disease and loss.  All this time, I've viewed these storms as something we were asked to weather but recent time spent in God's Word brought this question to mind:

What if in some cases we should be seeking out these storms?

I know.  It sounds crazy.  

Who goes looking for trouble?  It reminds me of the movie Twister.  I never understood how someone would willingly chase tornadoes for a living.  I spent my West Texas childhood fearing twisters and hiding to stay out of their way.  To this day, a tornado warning on TV is enough to accelerate my breathing.

You know what else sounds crazy?  Read the following passage from Jeremiah:

⁸ “Furthermore, tell the people, ‘This is what the Lord says: See, I am setting before you the way of life and the way of death.⁹ Whoever stays in this city will die by the sword, famine or plague. But whoever goes out and surrenders to the Babylonians who are besieging you will live; they will escape with their lives.

I've been dwelling on this passage for the last week or so because, like so many parts of the Bible, it seems counterintuitive. How does waving the white flag to the guys who are pummeling your city ensure that you will live?  I mean, it's one thing to brace yourself for an attack and pray that God will see you through but it's a completely different thing to barge in front of the firing squad.

I was reminded a few days ago that the story of Jonah has a similar element.  Instead of waiting on board the boat for the storm to pass, he knew that the answer was to jump headfirst into the raging sea. (Maybe I added the headfirst part but that's always how I've pictured it - a hasty swan dive of sorts.)

Point being this, many of us spend our lives hiding in storm shelters, hoping to avoid destruction.  A dedicated few may weather their storms with grace and dignity, but how many of us actually seek them out?  How many of us pray, Lord, take me through the storm that I may grow closer to you?  How many of us are storm chasers?

To be honest, I don't know exactly what that would look like in our lives.  Perhaps it means surrendering to missions on a dangerous field.  Maybe it means inviting a storm of criticism by speaking the truth in love.  Whatever shape it takes, I know one thing for sure. I want to take the "way of life" the Lord speaks of in Jeremiah.  If that means chasing storms like a crazy person, then so be it.

To quote Twister, "I gotta go Julia.  We got cows."

I Have a Secret...

I barely passed Poli Sci in college.

WHAT?!  But I thought you were a government teacher, Amy!

Well, yes, I am.  I accepted a job teaching Government and Economics knowing it was not my passion or strength but hoping beyond hope that I would eventually be able to teach the subject that really gets me going – Theatre.

Some might tell you that is not the best way to go about getting the job you want and even I recognize that it’s not an ideal situation but it’s the truth.  My little secret.

The reason I decided to divulge this information today is because I started thinking about the insecurities that come with being asked to do something you’re not very good at.  For me, it takes me out of my comfort zone and goes against my personality and my personal mantra: If you can’t do something well, don’t do it at all. (Incidentally, that's why you'll never catch me playing a game of chess. I suck at strategy.)

I’ve been thinking about this predicament in terms of obeying the call God has placed on my life.  I’m well aware that He often asks believers to serve in areas that are weaknesses rather than strengths.  That whole “when you’re weak, you’re strong” business is VERY difficult for me to grasp sometimes and if I’m being completely honest, I’m reluctant to get on board with tasks that are not closely related to my areas of “expertise.”

As I type that out, I have to laugh.  I’m really not an expert on anything.  I suppose maybe I’m an expert sinner, but that’s about it.  That certainly doesn’t leave me in a position to lead others or point fingers toward their wrongdoing, does it?

And yet, much like when I was asked to teach Government to high school juniors, I feel God asking me to step out of my comfort zone and address the very issues that I struggle most with. Before I do, please understand that this is not one of those “pick at the speck in your eye while a plank hangs out of mine” situations.  I have spent the better part of 2012 removing said two by four and I am finally able to see more clearly.

Okay, enough build up.  “What’s the issue?” you ask.

Sex outside of marriage.

I know, I know…you’re thinking I’m getting ready to beat a dead horse.  But that’s just it.  This horse is far from dead.

The world would have you and me believe that saving sex for marriage is some archaic practice reserved for the elderly or radical, conservative nut jobs when the fact of the matter is…

It is wrong.  Plain and simple. 

Countless Christians today are ignoring this plain and simple, straightforward truth.  They are going about their lives, attending church, trying to make right decisions in other areas but all the while ignoring God’s instruction in this one.

How do I know that?  Because I was that Christian for many years (until very recently) and because I watch it in friend after friend after friend…

Until now I have not said anything because I recognize what a hypocrite that would make me and because I am so hesitant to hurt feelings or step on toes or make enemies.  But today I came across a passage that gave me the courage to speak up on this very uncomfortable topic. 

In the book of Jeremiah it speaks of false prophets.  Chapter 23, verses 16 and 17 describe them in this way:

            “They speak visions from their own minds, not from the mouth of the Lord…And to all who follow the stubbornness of their hearts they say, ‘No harm will come to you.’”

I recognize that sin WILL harm us, especially this particular sin and that is why I feel compelled to talk about it.  As your friend, I do not want to step on your toes or anger you, but more importantly – most importantly – I do not want harm to come to you.

I’m living proof that sex outside of marriage brings harm - physical harm, emotional harm, relational harm, spiritual harm.  You name it, I’ve probably experienced it to some degree.  It’s taken me a long time to grasp the concept that God is not some mean guy in the sky with a list of things we can’t do but rather a loving father who longs to protect his children.  He didn’t ask us to save ourselves for marriage because he’s a killjoy – he wants us to experience the husband and wife relationship the way it was intended to be.

Yes, I’m sad that I messed that up but what really brings me to tears is the fact that I know God has forgiven me and that if I will just be patient, He will show me that he’s not through with me yet.

It may seem that God is asking a lot of you to wait, to be pure, to say no to this particular temptation but I’m asking you to trust that He has so many blessings he wants to pour out in your life if you will be obedient.

And if, like me, you think there’s just no way you will win this battle because you’re too weak, I ask you to remember that through your weakness God wants to make His power known.

A piece of information I should include here is that one year after I accepted the position of teaching Government and Economics, I was offered the Theatre Teacher’s job.  Looking back, I’m so glad I stepped out of my comfort zone and agreed to teach in spite of what I saw as a weakness.  Now I have a job that I truly love and get excited about. 

Will you step out of your comfort zone and agree to obey in spite of what may seem like a weakness or impossibility in your life?

God’s word promises…blessings await if you do.

She Speaks...Unprepared

It's been more than a week since I returned from the Land of She Speaks and I think I'm finally ready to start blogging about it.  One reason for my delay was simply to allow time for the "unpacking" process and I don't just mean my suitcase.  I needed a little time to let all those nuggets of truth marinate before I was ready to dish.  And for the record, I fully anticipate that there will be several helpings of She Speaks "treats" so I hope you'll come back for seconds and thirds!  (Is anyone else hungry now?)

When I close my eyes and replay the conference in my mind there are a few scenes that really stand out.  I picture Liz Curtis Higgs with her dazzling smile and contagious laugh.  I still wonder in amazement at how she was able to make me laugh so hard my sides hurt (just think about the "Big Buts of the Bible") and then cry like a baby mere seconds later as she gave a brief glimpse of her testimony.  I still tear up at her words as she described "Man after man after man after man... I just wanted to be loved.  I didn't realize I already was."

I'm also struck with a vision of the brave and talented ladies that I was privileged and humbled to meet.  Ladies who survived tornadoes, infidelity or raising a grandchild.  Women who have faced the loss of loved ones and overcome drugs, cutting or breast cancer.   Then there was the one who is currently fighting for her life with the kind of grace I can only pray for.

Additionally, I keep coming back to the story Lysa told about the "shark" attack and the stern words of her instructor.  "Keep your eyes on the Dive Master.  If the Master isn't freaking out then you shouldn't freak out!"

And who could forget Whitney's challenge to put on the whole armor of God and be a "turtle shell" for our sisters who have dropped their shield of faith?

BUT...

The biggest lesson for me that weekend wasn't from a keynote speaker or a breakout session.  It wasn't even from one of my new found friends or a publisher.  The most important truth I took away came Friday night as I sat alone in my hotel room.

If I had to give this "one-person breakout session" a title, I would call it "She Speaks...Unprepared."

You see, I had been under the false impression that for our speaker evaluation group we only needed one, 3-minute speech prepared.  And that's what I came with.  The truth was, we were asked to come ready to give a second, 5-minute speech on Saturday.

I missed that memo.  Clearly.

I explained to my evaluation group something that those who've known me a while are already very familiar with...

I HATE to be unprepared.

I don't do improv and I don't handle the stress of last-minute planning very well either.  This was basically my worst nightmare come true.  But I didn't see that I had much of a choice, so I sat on that hotel bed Friday night frantically trying to put a talk together.

It was late and I was tired.  Needless to say, the ideas weren't flowing.  In fact, after a few vetoed openers, I finally cried out to God and said, "God, I need an idea, like NOW!  This is an emergency!"

That's when it dawned on me...God doesn't have emergencies.  The sovereign Lord of the universe doesn't get caught off guard.  In fact, He knew all along that I was expected to give this speech and he knew all along that I wasn't going to be prepared for it.

*Cue lightbulb over head*

Maybe - just maybe - this was all part of the plan.  Maybe my ignorance was necessary for God to get his point across.  Maybe God needed to get me out of the way so he could bring the message that HE wanted to bring, not the message that I would have so carefully planned and prepped for.

Maybe God needed to get me out of the way?

That thought was a crushing blow to my soul.  How many times have I "gotten in God's way" with my good intentions and my list-making and my planning and my obsessing?

How many times had I failed to realize - IT'S NOT ABOUT ME!?

That's when God brought a familiar passage to my mind.  In Job chapter 38 we read those famous words, "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation?"

As I read the verses I'd seen so many times before, they became personal.  "Amy, have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place?"  And like Job, I was forced to reply, "Behold, I am of small account; What shall I answer you?"

I am of small account.

THAT was my biggest take-away from She Speaks and the challenge that I presented to my evaluation group the following day.  As I follow the Lord's calling to speak and write, my biggest prayer is that I would never get in God's way and that I will always remember...

It's not about me.

Prayer Request

Wowsers!  Over a month without a post...not good!  One of my reasons for being absent so long is that I've been out of town (Grandparents in East Texas for a few days then as a mentor at a camp) but the main reason is that I've been feverishly preparing for the She Speaks conference in North Carolina this weekend.

I'm beyond excited about this incredible opportunity - even more so now that it's been confirmed I will be meeting with 2 publishers to propose my book idea while I'm there.  But I have to be honest.  Mixed in with the excitement is a healthy dose of nerves.  As I mentioned in my previous blog, I'm way outta my league here.  In fact, I was telling a friend just yesterday how this whole endeavor has been a God thing all the way through.  He knows that if left to my own devices, I mess up every time, so as tough as it is sometimes, I'm letting go of the reigns and trusting in Him.

I'm going to do the best I can to keep the blog updated throughout the weekend.  It won't be easy considering my schedule is packed with wonderful sessions, meetings, etc. but I'll give it the ol' college try.

Before I board the plane to Dallas, I have a request.  If you think about it, please pray for me.  I don't ask that of people often - partly because it makes me feel selfish for some reason - but if you would specifically pray for the conference, the publishers, the speakers, the ladies in attendance and God's direction in my life, I would be forever grateful!

Love to all my readers (aka family and friends) and I'll be in touch soon!!!!

In Over My Head

Have you ever had that "what have I done" feeling?  I'm assuming the answer is yes and that at some point in your life, be it an embarrassing, scary or surreal moment, you've asked yourself that very question.  I have had several of those moments over the years but one of my favorite stories to tell is the story of the "Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Audition."

I moved to Chicago at the age of 26 to pursue my life-long dream of being an actress.  I was going to make my mark on the Windy City's stage...or at least, that was the plan.  After getting settled in, finding a job and making some new friends (a.k.a. stalling), I decided that if I was going to get famous, I'd better start auditioning for roles.  After searching through an online publication, I located an open call audition in the city.  It wasn't exactly my cup of tea (some sort of sci-fi improv thing) but I figured beggars can't be choosers, so I made plans to be there. 

The trip into the city was both exciting and nerve-racking.  I found the location with relative ease, took a deep breath, and entered the building.  As is tradition, I immediately began checking out my competition.  It was an eclectic mix but they weren't altogether unfriendly.  I started up a few conversations before it was time for auditions to begin.

I can't quite recall if they had us do individual auditions or not.  I do remember learning a few stage combat techniques with the group and then it was time for the dreaded improv games.  I say dreaded because although I consider myself a decent actress, I recognize that I have a definite weak point.  That weak point: improv.  I love watching it and admire those who can pull it off successfully but as for being an active participant, no thank you.  I know what you're thinking.  "Then why did you go to this audition?"  The short answer is, I don't know.  But there I was, wishing I was anywhere else in the world.  The game we were playing was a familiar one.  We sat in a circle in which one person started a story (two lines or so) and the story grew as each participant added to the plot.  Being the planner that I am, I kept trying to think ahead to when it was my turn - but that's the thing with improv, there's no planning...just improvising. 

Once again, I can't quite recall what I said when it came time for my input but I do remember (like it was yesterday) the feeling of utter mortification.  Whatever I said, I knew it was beyond stupid and I would've given my right arm for the ground to have opened up and swallowed me whole.

It didn't.

So, I suffered through the rest of the audition and then left like someone fleeing the scene of a crime.  As I drove back to my suburb, all I could think was how awful I did and how I hoped I never had to experience anything like that ever again in my life.  Unfortunately, just a few weeks later, I had a similar humiliating experience at a musical audition for Buddy Holly: The Musical.  Let's just say I will never sing Chantilly Lace again!

So yes, I know all-too-well that feeling of being in over your head.  In fact, I'm feeling it today in regards to my latest endeavor to write a book and become a professional public speaker.  I've been working on my book proposal over the last few days - something I know absolutely nothing about - so that alone has been a little like jumping in the deep end.  But what really made me feel like I was drowning was when my business cards came in the mail two days ago.  I don't know why, but when I looked at those business cards it hit me.  I don't know what I'm doing.  This is a joke.  I'M a joke.

I wonder if that's how Noah felt.  Surely at some point in his busy ark-building schedule he took a step back, looked at the enormous boat in his front yard and said, "what on God's green earth am I doing?!!!!"  Okay, maybe he didn't.  Maybe he had stronger faith than me.  But he certainly had cause to feel a little out of his element.

Then there was Abraham who was asked to lead his only son Isaac to a sacrificial death.  Surely he had second thoughts on that long trip up the mountain.

I know in the Bible and even today the list goes on and on of ordinary people that God asks to do extraordinary things.  God works like that doesn't he?  He calls us to things that are so beyond our finite, human capabilities and leaves us with no choice but to rely on Him...and trust Him.  As you know from my previous blog, that is a struggle for me sometimes. 

What makes this scenario different for me is the confidence I have in my calling.  There is not an ounce of me that doubts this is where God wants me and what He wants me doing.  I don't know how it will end up (or what "embarrassments" I may face along the way) but I feel sure that if God has called me on this journey, then He will be faithful to make clear a path and guide me along the way.

In God We Trust?

I remember the simple analogy my youth pastor once used to explain faith.

As the students did at every youth event, we were sitting in folding chairs that Sunday.  Shayne, the youth pastor, pointed out that all of the chairs were doing a fine job of holding us - just as we anticipated they would.  Not one of us came in that day and inspected our chairs to insure stability or reliability.  We simply trusted that the chairs would support us as they had for so many meetings prior.

That's faith.  Faith that some would call blind.  Simply believing - without requiring a background check, certificate of authenticity or ten-point inspection first.

I was reminded of this type of belief again this morning as I read from Jeremiah 17.  Verses 7 and 8 read, "But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him.  He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream.  It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green.  It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."

The first verse especially caught my attention.  I want to trust in the Lord and I do... sometimes.  But lately, more often than not it seems, I struggle with this very thing.

Why?  Because I want to see His plan first.  I want to see a roadmap of my future that's clearly marked: "NEXT STOP: Happyville" (That's the town right down the road from Wedded Blissburg in Financial Stability County.  The population consists of couples with white picket fences, 2.5 children and vacation houses on the beach.  I've gotten carried away again, haven't I?)

Then, once I snap out of my unrealistic daydream, I realize something.  That's NOT trust.  No trust is required on the journey that's perfectly mapped out and laid in front of you.

Sure, God is doing an amazing work in my life and sure, He has plans for me beyond what I can even imagine, but He knows (and I know) that if He spelled it all out for me, I would cease to rely on Him and seek His will.

So if I know all this, why is trusting Him so difficult sometimes?  I think I've figured that one out too.

If you listen to Air1 Radio then you've probably heard the soundbite of Jason Gray explaining his inspiration for the song, "Remind Me Who I Am."  He says that sin is often the result of forgetting who we are.  Well, if that's the case, then I contend that a lack of faith is the direct result of forgetting who God is.

It's analogy time again.

A couple of days ago my car battery died and my brother-in-law had to jump start my van.  Jumper cables always make me nervous, probably because I've never really learned to use them properly and I fear being electrocuted or blown up if I get the colors or order wrong.  With the cables in Robert's capable hands, however, I felt completely at ease and had 100% confidence that he knew what he was doing and would get the job done.  I had faith in Robert because of who he is - an intelligent, capable and trustworthy person.

If I can put that much confidence in a man, why not the Creator of the universe?!  Clearly it is because I have forgotten who He is, what He is capable of and even what He has already done in my life.

Referring back to the passage in Jeremiah, I long to be that strong tree that does not fear and has no worries in a year of drought.  The key for me (and for you) is trust and confidence in God - not in ourselves or what we can see - but in our more-than-capable Savior.

I Wish

This will be a short post.  Not because I don't have anything to say but rather because I have too much.  Too many thoughts swirling around in my head, that is. 

Allow me to be "real" for just one second and then I'll leave you with some song lyrics that spoke to me today.

I'm having one of those "wishing" days.  You know...

I wish the Christian Life weren't so hard.
I wish I didn't care so much what other people think.
I wish I were stronger and more consistent.
I wish God would come back already.
I wish I weren't so selfish.
I wish others weren't so selfish.
I wish I was more concerned about pleasing God than myself or others.
I wish...

Ever had one of those days?  Yeah, me too!

And while I'm wishing, I wish I would have thought of these lyrics myself (especially that last part).

Savior, please take my hand
I work so hard, I live so fast
This life begins, and then it ends
And I do the best that I can, but I don't know how long I'll last

I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough
I can't do this alone, God I need You to hold on to me
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love
Savior, please keep saving me

Savior, please help me stand
I fall so hard, I fade so fast
Will You begin right where I end
And be the God of all I am because You're all I have

Hallelujah
Everything You are to me
Is everything I'll ever need
And I am learning to believe
That I don't have to prove a thing
'Cause You're the one who's saving me

Little Orphan Amy

My theatre classes recently watched the musical Annie.  Although I'm familiar with the storyline, it had been quite some time since I last watched it, not to mention I'm familiar with the Carol Burnett version and this was the Disney movie in which Kathy Bates plays the infamous Miss Hannigan.  Regardless, I was as captivated with the story this time around as I was when I was young.

For those who aren't familiar with it, I will fill you in. (All the while wondering how you don't know about Little Orphan Annie!)  Annie is a precocious little redhead living with a group of orphan girls in the care of Miss Hannigan - a woman who has no business being the sole caretaker for children of any sort, especially little girls whom she despises.  Annie's story is a heartbreaking one about a little girl who is dropped off by her parents with a locket and a letter that promises they'll return.  This promise is one Annie doesn't take lightly.  She recites the letter so often that her peers at the orphanage have grown tired of hearing it.  They tease and mock her but it doesn't diminish Annie's hope that one day she will be reunited with her parents and leave the orphanage for her real home with her real family.

Let's stop the storyline there because it is that hope that is the catalyst for this blog. 

 Although she is a fictional character, and an orphan at that, I envy Annie.  I envy Annie for the simple fact that in the face of mocking peers and unlikely circumstances, she never gave up hope that her parent's promise would be kept.  She was steadfast in her belief and had an unswerving faith.  I wish I could say the same.

A few nights ago I was contemplating my lack of faith and my inconsistent Christian walk.  I've been struggling lately to remain on the narrow path.  It is often so tempting to "go with the flow" and let the world suck you in.  I find that I'm not very good at staying "alert" and "ready" as The Bible admonishes us to do so many times throughout it's pages.

As I considered this, I began to scan the pages of the New Testament.  Originally, I was searching for the parable of the talents when I stumbled upon Luke 12: 35-48. 

³⁵ “Be dressed ready for service and keep your lamps burning, ³⁷ It will be good for those servants whose master finds them watching when he comes. Truly I tell you, he will dress himself to serve, will have them recline at the table and will come and wait on them. ³⁸ It will be good for those servants whose master finds them ready, even if he comes in the middle of the night or toward daybreak.³⁶ like servants waiting for their master to return from a wedding banquet, so that when he comes and knocks they can immediately open the door for him.

I long to be that faithful servant.  The vigilant, prepared, obedient one.  I desire that when the Lord returns (to take me to my real home with my real family) that He will find me ready and waiting. 

Annie's hope was the result of an unswerving faith, just like the good servant found in Luke 12.  I could stand to learn a lesson or two...from both of them.

The Me I Want To Be

In my mind is a picture of a graceful, calm, pulled together, Godly woman who acts in love and reacts according to true Christian character.  I call it, "the me I want to be."

Unfortunately, the me I want to be does not always resemble the woman I actually am.  Okay, you got me, it rarely does.

The real me is an irrational, emotional  loud-mouth with control issues, who speaks out of turn, says the wrong things and blows a fuse every now and then, especially when things don't go as planned.  See what I mean?  That's a far cry from the picture-perfect, Christian princess I mentioned above.

It just so happens, that yesterday was a fuse-blowing day of epic proportions.  After flipping my lid in 8th period, I had the afternoon to think about what happened and to analyze my reactions, which I did.

I prayed. 

I asked God to help me know what I should've done or could've done differently. 

I cried. 

I got a pedicure. 

And at the end of it all, I came to two conclusions that I know to be true.

Conclusion #1: I messed up and I owe my students an apology.  But without a doubt, I WILL have many more chances to react with grace and Christian love.  Every day we face situations that challenge us.  Every day we have an audience of believers and non-believers alike that watch to see how we will handle those challenges.  I didn't pass yesterday's test, but I know that I'll be given another chance.

Conclusion #2: God can and does use this irrational, emotional loud-mouth with control issues.  He uses me in spite of me.  He uses me hang-ups and all.  In fact, it's through those weaknesses that He reveals His strength.  God has a history of using rebels, rejects and loud-mouths to do great things for the Kingdom, so I know and find comfort in the fact that He can use me too.

I wanted to blog this experience not only because of the therepeutic benefits, but because I know that I am not alone.  Whatever discrepencies you find between the real you and the one you want to be, rest assured that God loves you and wants to use you in a big way, flaws and all!

As Promised...

Okay, one more disclaimer then I'll turn you loose on the first few paragraphs of Rebel Reborn.  As I post tidbits from my work, I want everyone to understand that in no way am I attempting to glorify the years I spent away from the Lord.  In fact, I'm aiming to do the opposite.  My prayer is that through my transparency the Lord will be lifted up and His amazing transforming power made known.  That being said, here's the first installment...

Chapter 1: Rebel Checklist

”In the midnight hour she cried ‘more, more, more’

With a rebel yell ‘more, more, more”

Billy Idol, Rebel Yell

Let Me Introduce Myself

I’ve heard countless speeches, sermons and the like that open with, “Webster defines (fill in appropriate topic here) as…”  Sure, it’s an effective way to get your listeners on the same page and as far as openers go, it’s not the worst in the world, but I have no doubt that any Public Speaking 101 prof would tell you that it’s a tad overused and to pursue something more attention-grabbing.

Having said that, dictionary.com defines rebel as a person who resists any authority, control or tradition. 

What can I say?  I’m a rebel at heart.  Telling me not to do something is a sure-fire way to get it done.  (I can see the reverse psychology wheels turning as I type.)

Also, for the younger ones in my audience, I decided to define the word rebel in urban dictionary terms.  In summary, being a rebel means being an individual, not following the crowd and not conforming to what others prefer.

I haven’t always considered myself a rebel.  In fact, until my early twenties, I was the exact opposite.  I was a 100%, pure bread conformist.  I followed the rules and I probably judged those who didn’t.  I was a girl scout when it came to my church attendance and involvement.  I was also your classic overachiever in high school.  I made straight A’s and was salutatorian of my graduating class. Then after high school, I attended Christian University and spent 8 months in Thailand teaching English and working as a missionary.

But somewhere around 22 or 23, everything changed and for the bulk of my twenties, I was off-the-charts on any rebel checklist.  I’ve never actually seen a “rebel checklist” before but I imagine them to look something like this:

o   Tattoos

o   Piercings other than one in each ear

o   Non-traditionally colored hair and fingernails

o   Posing for pictures with inappropriate hand gestures

o   Dating “bad” boys (they give you street cred)

o   Frequent enjoyment of the “party” lifestyle, particularly those things that have been deemed by the authorities as illegal

o   A distaste for (or downright hatred of) authority

o   Doing something based solely on the fact that your mother doesn’t want you to

o   A refusal to do something based solely on the fact that your mother does want you to

Let’s see…

Tattoos? Check. I have four of them and wouldn’t mind having more, much to my parent’s and grandparent’s chagrin.

Piercings other than one in each ear? Check.  Well, not anymore actually, but I had my nose pierced in college.  In true rebel form, I took it out when I decided that nose rings had become too popular and mine didn’t make me stand out anymore.

Non-traditionally colored hair and fingernails? Check. That is assuming that purple is not a traditional hair color.

Posing for pictures with inappropriate hand gestures? No check on this one – but pictures of me with a drink in my hand (of which there were many) were the equivalent of me “sticking it to the man.”

Dating bad boys? Check.  And for good measure, I dated losers, potheads and atheists too.

Frequent enjoyment of the party lifestyle and illegal activities? Check times infinity.

A distaste for authority? Check. Most notably here was my attempt to run away from the ultimate authority, God.

Doing something my mother doesn’t want me to? Check.  See bullet points one and two. (and four, five, six and seven.)

Not doing something my mother does want me to? Check.  You get the picture.

Hi, my name is Amy and I’m a rebel.

The one commonality from my teens to my twenties was that whatever I did, I didn’t dare go about it half-heartedly.  I’m a passionate, all-or-nothing personality and that was true whether I was studying for finals, preparing to teach a Bible Study or hitting up the local club.