She Speaks...Unprepared

It's been more than a week since I returned from the Land of She Speaks and I think I'm finally ready to start blogging about it.  One reason for my delay was simply to allow time for the "unpacking" process and I don't just mean my suitcase.  I needed a little time to let all those nuggets of truth marinate before I was ready to dish.  And for the record, I fully anticipate that there will be several helpings of She Speaks "treats" so I hope you'll come back for seconds and thirds!  (Is anyone else hungry now?)

When I close my eyes and replay the conference in my mind there are a few scenes that really stand out.  I picture Liz Curtis Higgs with her dazzling smile and contagious laugh.  I still wonder in amazement at how she was able to make me laugh so hard my sides hurt (just think about the "Big Buts of the Bible") and then cry like a baby mere seconds later as she gave a brief glimpse of her testimony.  I still tear up at her words as she described "Man after man after man after man... I just wanted to be loved.  I didn't realize I already was."

I'm also struck with a vision of the brave and talented ladies that I was privileged and humbled to meet.  Ladies who survived tornadoes, infidelity or raising a grandchild.  Women who have faced the loss of loved ones and overcome drugs, cutting or breast cancer.   Then there was the one who is currently fighting for her life with the kind of grace I can only pray for.

Additionally, I keep coming back to the story Lysa told about the "shark" attack and the stern words of her instructor.  "Keep your eyes on the Dive Master.  If the Master isn't freaking out then you shouldn't freak out!"

And who could forget Whitney's challenge to put on the whole armor of God and be a "turtle shell" for our sisters who have dropped their shield of faith?

BUT...

The biggest lesson for me that weekend wasn't from a keynote speaker or a breakout session.  It wasn't even from one of my new found friends or a publisher.  The most important truth I took away came Friday night as I sat alone in my hotel room.

If I had to give this "one-person breakout session" a title, I would call it "She Speaks...Unprepared."

You see, I had been under the false impression that for our speaker evaluation group we only needed one, 3-minute speech prepared.  And that's what I came with.  The truth was, we were asked to come ready to give a second, 5-minute speech on Saturday.

I missed that memo.  Clearly.

I explained to my evaluation group something that those who've known me a while are already very familiar with...

I HATE to be unprepared.

I don't do improv and I don't handle the stress of last-minute planning very well either.  This was basically my worst nightmare come true.  But I didn't see that I had much of a choice, so I sat on that hotel bed Friday night frantically trying to put a talk together.

It was late and I was tired.  Needless to say, the ideas weren't flowing.  In fact, after a few vetoed openers, I finally cried out to God and said, "God, I need an idea, like NOW!  This is an emergency!"

That's when it dawned on me...God doesn't have emergencies.  The sovereign Lord of the universe doesn't get caught off guard.  In fact, He knew all along that I was expected to give this speech and he knew all along that I wasn't going to be prepared for it.

*Cue lightbulb over head*

Maybe - just maybe - this was all part of the plan.  Maybe my ignorance was necessary for God to get his point across.  Maybe God needed to get me out of the way so he could bring the message that HE wanted to bring, not the message that I would have so carefully planned and prepped for.

Maybe God needed to get me out of the way?

That thought was a crushing blow to my soul.  How many times have I "gotten in God's way" with my good intentions and my list-making and my planning and my obsessing?

How many times had I failed to realize - IT'S NOT ABOUT ME!?

That's when God brought a familiar passage to my mind.  In Job chapter 38 we read those famous words, "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation?"

As I read the verses I'd seen so many times before, they became personal.  "Amy, have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place?"  And like Job, I was forced to reply, "Behold, I am of small account; What shall I answer you?"

I am of small account.

THAT was my biggest take-away from She Speaks and the challenge that I presented to my evaluation group the following day.  As I follow the Lord's calling to speak and write, my biggest prayer is that I would never get in God's way and that I will always remember...

It's not about me.

Prayer Request

Wowsers!  Over a month without a post...not good!  One of my reasons for being absent so long is that I've been out of town (Grandparents in East Texas for a few days then as a mentor at a camp) but the main reason is that I've been feverishly preparing for the She Speaks conference in North Carolina this weekend.

I'm beyond excited about this incredible opportunity - even more so now that it's been confirmed I will be meeting with 2 publishers to propose my book idea while I'm there.  But I have to be honest.  Mixed in with the excitement is a healthy dose of nerves.  As I mentioned in my previous blog, I'm way outta my league here.  In fact, I was telling a friend just yesterday how this whole endeavor has been a God thing all the way through.  He knows that if left to my own devices, I mess up every time, so as tough as it is sometimes, I'm letting go of the reigns and trusting in Him.

I'm going to do the best I can to keep the blog updated throughout the weekend.  It won't be easy considering my schedule is packed with wonderful sessions, meetings, etc. but I'll give it the ol' college try.

Before I board the plane to Dallas, I have a request.  If you think about it, please pray for me.  I don't ask that of people often - partly because it makes me feel selfish for some reason - but if you would specifically pray for the conference, the publishers, the speakers, the ladies in attendance and God's direction in my life, I would be forever grateful!

Love to all my readers (aka family and friends) and I'll be in touch soon!!!!

In Over My Head

Have you ever had that "what have I done" feeling?  I'm assuming the answer is yes and that at some point in your life, be it an embarrassing, scary or surreal moment, you've asked yourself that very question.  I have had several of those moments over the years but one of my favorite stories to tell is the story of the "Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Audition."

I moved to Chicago at the age of 26 to pursue my life-long dream of being an actress.  I was going to make my mark on the Windy City's stage...or at least, that was the plan.  After getting settled in, finding a job and making some new friends (a.k.a. stalling), I decided that if I was going to get famous, I'd better start auditioning for roles.  After searching through an online publication, I located an open call audition in the city.  It wasn't exactly my cup of tea (some sort of sci-fi improv thing) but I figured beggars can't be choosers, so I made plans to be there. 

The trip into the city was both exciting and nerve-racking.  I found the location with relative ease, took a deep breath, and entered the building.  As is tradition, I immediately began checking out my competition.  It was an eclectic mix but they weren't altogether unfriendly.  I started up a few conversations before it was time for auditions to begin.

I can't quite recall if they had us do individual auditions or not.  I do remember learning a few stage combat techniques with the group and then it was time for the dreaded improv games.  I say dreaded because although I consider myself a decent actress, I recognize that I have a definite weak point.  That weak point: improv.  I love watching it and admire those who can pull it off successfully but as for being an active participant, no thank you.  I know what you're thinking.  "Then why did you go to this audition?"  The short answer is, I don't know.  But there I was, wishing I was anywhere else in the world.  The game we were playing was a familiar one.  We sat in a circle in which one person started a story (two lines or so) and the story grew as each participant added to the plot.  Being the planner that I am, I kept trying to think ahead to when it was my turn - but that's the thing with improv, there's no planning...just improvising. 

Once again, I can't quite recall what I said when it came time for my input but I do remember (like it was yesterday) the feeling of utter mortification.  Whatever I said, I knew it was beyond stupid and I would've given my right arm for the ground to have opened up and swallowed me whole.

It didn't.

So, I suffered through the rest of the audition and then left like someone fleeing the scene of a crime.  As I drove back to my suburb, all I could think was how awful I did and how I hoped I never had to experience anything like that ever again in my life.  Unfortunately, just a few weeks later, I had a similar humiliating experience at a musical audition for Buddy Holly: The Musical.  Let's just say I will never sing Chantilly Lace again!

So yes, I know all-too-well that feeling of being in over your head.  In fact, I'm feeling it today in regards to my latest endeavor to write a book and become a professional public speaker.  I've been working on my book proposal over the last few days - something I know absolutely nothing about - so that alone has been a little like jumping in the deep end.  But what really made me feel like I was drowning was when my business cards came in the mail two days ago.  I don't know why, but when I looked at those business cards it hit me.  I don't know what I'm doing.  This is a joke.  I'M a joke.

I wonder if that's how Noah felt.  Surely at some point in his busy ark-building schedule he took a step back, looked at the enormous boat in his front yard and said, "what on God's green earth am I doing?!!!!"  Okay, maybe he didn't.  Maybe he had stronger faith than me.  But he certainly had cause to feel a little out of his element.

Then there was Abraham who was asked to lead his only son Isaac to a sacrificial death.  Surely he had second thoughts on that long trip up the mountain.

I know in the Bible and even today the list goes on and on of ordinary people that God asks to do extraordinary things.  God works like that doesn't he?  He calls us to things that are so beyond our finite, human capabilities and leaves us with no choice but to rely on Him...and trust Him.  As you know from my previous blog, that is a struggle for me sometimes. 

What makes this scenario different for me is the confidence I have in my calling.  There is not an ounce of me that doubts this is where God wants me and what He wants me doing.  I don't know how it will end up (or what "embarrassments" I may face along the way) but I feel sure that if God has called me on this journey, then He will be faithful to make clear a path and guide me along the way.

In God We Trust?

I remember the simple analogy my youth pastor once used to explain faith.

As the students did at every youth event, we were sitting in folding chairs that Sunday.  Shayne, the youth pastor, pointed out that all of the chairs were doing a fine job of holding us - just as we anticipated they would.  Not one of us came in that day and inspected our chairs to insure stability or reliability.  We simply trusted that the chairs would support us as they had for so many meetings prior.

That's faith.  Faith that some would call blind.  Simply believing - without requiring a background check, certificate of authenticity or ten-point inspection first.

I was reminded of this type of belief again this morning as I read from Jeremiah 17.  Verses 7 and 8 read, "But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him.  He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream.  It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green.  It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."

The first verse especially caught my attention.  I want to trust in the Lord and I do... sometimes.  But lately, more often than not it seems, I struggle with this very thing.

Why?  Because I want to see His plan first.  I want to see a roadmap of my future that's clearly marked: "NEXT STOP: Happyville" (That's the town right down the road from Wedded Blissburg in Financial Stability County.  The population consists of couples with white picket fences, 2.5 children and vacation houses on the beach.  I've gotten carried away again, haven't I?)

Then, once I snap out of my unrealistic daydream, I realize something.  That's NOT trust.  No trust is required on the journey that's perfectly mapped out and laid in front of you.

Sure, God is doing an amazing work in my life and sure, He has plans for me beyond what I can even imagine, but He knows (and I know) that if He spelled it all out for me, I would cease to rely on Him and seek His will.

So if I know all this, why is trusting Him so difficult sometimes?  I think I've figured that one out too.

If you listen to Air1 Radio then you've probably heard the soundbite of Jason Gray explaining his inspiration for the song, "Remind Me Who I Am."  He says that sin is often the result of forgetting who we are.  Well, if that's the case, then I contend that a lack of faith is the direct result of forgetting who God is.

It's analogy time again.

A couple of days ago my car battery died and my brother-in-law had to jump start my van.  Jumper cables always make me nervous, probably because I've never really learned to use them properly and I fear being electrocuted or blown up if I get the colors or order wrong.  With the cables in Robert's capable hands, however, I felt completely at ease and had 100% confidence that he knew what he was doing and would get the job done.  I had faith in Robert because of who he is - an intelligent, capable and trustworthy person.

If I can put that much confidence in a man, why not the Creator of the universe?!  Clearly it is because I have forgotten who He is, what He is capable of and even what He has already done in my life.

Referring back to the passage in Jeremiah, I long to be that strong tree that does not fear and has no worries in a year of drought.  The key for me (and for you) is trust and confidence in God - not in ourselves or what we can see - but in our more-than-capable Savior.

I Wish

This will be a short post.  Not because I don't have anything to say but rather because I have too much.  Too many thoughts swirling around in my head, that is. 

Allow me to be "real" for just one second and then I'll leave you with some song lyrics that spoke to me today.

I'm having one of those "wishing" days.  You know...

I wish the Christian Life weren't so hard.
I wish I didn't care so much what other people think.
I wish I were stronger and more consistent.
I wish God would come back already.
I wish I weren't so selfish.
I wish others weren't so selfish.
I wish I was more concerned about pleasing God than myself or others.
I wish...

Ever had one of those days?  Yeah, me too!

And while I'm wishing, I wish I would have thought of these lyrics myself (especially that last part).

Savior, please take my hand
I work so hard, I live so fast
This life begins, and then it ends
And I do the best that I can, but I don't know how long I'll last

I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough
I can't do this alone, God I need You to hold on to me
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love
Savior, please keep saving me

Savior, please help me stand
I fall so hard, I fade so fast
Will You begin right where I end
And be the God of all I am because You're all I have

Hallelujah
Everything You are to me
Is everything I'll ever need
And I am learning to believe
That I don't have to prove a thing
'Cause You're the one who's saving me

Little Orphan Amy

My theatre classes recently watched the musical Annie.  Although I'm familiar with the storyline, it had been quite some time since I last watched it, not to mention I'm familiar with the Carol Burnett version and this was the Disney movie in which Kathy Bates plays the infamous Miss Hannigan.  Regardless, I was as captivated with the story this time around as I was when I was young.

For those who aren't familiar with it, I will fill you in. (All the while wondering how you don't know about Little Orphan Annie!)  Annie is a precocious little redhead living with a group of orphan girls in the care of Miss Hannigan - a woman who has no business being the sole caretaker for children of any sort, especially little girls whom she despises.  Annie's story is a heartbreaking one about a little girl who is dropped off by her parents with a locket and a letter that promises they'll return.  This promise is one Annie doesn't take lightly.  She recites the letter so often that her peers at the orphanage have grown tired of hearing it.  They tease and mock her but it doesn't diminish Annie's hope that one day she will be reunited with her parents and leave the orphanage for her real home with her real family.

Let's stop the storyline there because it is that hope that is the catalyst for this blog. 

 Although she is a fictional character, and an orphan at that, I envy Annie.  I envy Annie for the simple fact that in the face of mocking peers and unlikely circumstances, she never gave up hope that her parent's promise would be kept.  She was steadfast in her belief and had an unswerving faith.  I wish I could say the same.

A few nights ago I was contemplating my lack of faith and my inconsistent Christian walk.  I've been struggling lately to remain on the narrow path.  It is often so tempting to "go with the flow" and let the world suck you in.  I find that I'm not very good at staying "alert" and "ready" as The Bible admonishes us to do so many times throughout it's pages.

As I considered this, I began to scan the pages of the New Testament.  Originally, I was searching for the parable of the talents when I stumbled upon Luke 12: 35-48. 

³⁵ “Be dressed ready for service and keep your lamps burning, ³⁷ It will be good for those servants whose master finds them watching when he comes. Truly I tell you, he will dress himself to serve, will have them recline at the table and will come and wait on them. ³⁸ It will be good for those servants whose master finds them ready, even if he comes in the middle of the night or toward daybreak.³⁶ like servants waiting for their master to return from a wedding banquet, so that when he comes and knocks they can immediately open the door for him.

I long to be that faithful servant.  The vigilant, prepared, obedient one.  I desire that when the Lord returns (to take me to my real home with my real family) that He will find me ready and waiting. 

Annie's hope was the result of an unswerving faith, just like the good servant found in Luke 12.  I could stand to learn a lesson or two...from both of them.

The Me I Want To Be

In my mind is a picture of a graceful, calm, pulled together, Godly woman who acts in love and reacts according to true Christian character.  I call it, "the me I want to be."

Unfortunately, the me I want to be does not always resemble the woman I actually am.  Okay, you got me, it rarely does.

The real me is an irrational, emotional  loud-mouth with control issues, who speaks out of turn, says the wrong things and blows a fuse every now and then, especially when things don't go as planned.  See what I mean?  That's a far cry from the picture-perfect, Christian princess I mentioned above.

It just so happens, that yesterday was a fuse-blowing day of epic proportions.  After flipping my lid in 8th period, I had the afternoon to think about what happened and to analyze my reactions, which I did.

I prayed. 

I asked God to help me know what I should've done or could've done differently. 

I cried. 

I got a pedicure. 

And at the end of it all, I came to two conclusions that I know to be true.

Conclusion #1: I messed up and I owe my students an apology.  But without a doubt, I WILL have many more chances to react with grace and Christian love.  Every day we face situations that challenge us.  Every day we have an audience of believers and non-believers alike that watch to see how we will handle those challenges.  I didn't pass yesterday's test, but I know that I'll be given another chance.

Conclusion #2: God can and does use this irrational, emotional loud-mouth with control issues.  He uses me in spite of me.  He uses me hang-ups and all.  In fact, it's through those weaknesses that He reveals His strength.  God has a history of using rebels, rejects and loud-mouths to do great things for the Kingdom, so I know and find comfort in the fact that He can use me too.

I wanted to blog this experience not only because of the therepeutic benefits, but because I know that I am not alone.  Whatever discrepencies you find between the real you and the one you want to be, rest assured that God loves you and wants to use you in a big way, flaws and all!